Tonejumpoff

Twins? Yup.

Holy shit. Do you guys remember Rock N’ Jock? It was probably the greatest thing MTV ever produced. I know that’s not saying much, but I’d cut a motherfucker to get one of those jerseys.

In other news, I deleted pretty much everything off of my facebook. While doing so, I found this gem that ShittyJesus posted. It’s Amo’s freestyle from freshmen year. He did this over “Damn” by Lil Jon Ft Young Bloodz.

Hallo, it’s A-M-O
And I run the motha fuckin show
I ain’t a hoe I don’t go down
This motha fucka likes to smile and not frown
Yo hello sam Im tellin my story
I don’t give a fuck I ain’t trying to bore ya’ll
My name is Ryan coming from LP motha fucking S ya’ll know me, hey yo
My boy O-Z-Z-Y comes from Burnsville ya’ll know why
He got the calves he got no arms, but he got a forehead the size of a barn
Not a bar right here I’m talking fitty grands
Like Young Jeezy ya’ll know the way it hands
Hamma Hamma Hamma Hamma Motha fuckas get glama glama

My boy on the camera his name is Clynt Reddy
He keeps that clit hot and wet and motha fucking sweaty
The clit, yo the motha fuckin pussy
I don’t give a fuck, I just don’t want a bushy
I want a clean and motha fuckin shaven,
Whats up ross you’re from New Haven
Fuck that’s Minnesota were fuckin with Wisconsin
Motha fucka I’m bout to get my tonsils
Sucked by a bitch tonight, as well as my cock
Jon Ozzy gonna be on top like a rock
He gonna be fuckin the shit out of tessy girl you know
But ya’ll ain’t no motha fuckin hoe
He’s got a forehead his name is ozzy
Motha fucka coming at him like hosleys
Yo what chu know bout ozzy hes my best friend and its plain to see

Hey yo verse three, I don’t like to smoke trees
I just drink that alcoholy
But only once in the motha fucking while
Like that black dude on walking 8 mile
Green mile is what I meant
Coming from Jon Osgar I am spent
He keeps a bitch going all night with non stop
Yo if he sees a cherry yo he’s got to pop
Yo his name is Clynt fucking Reddy with roommate motha fuckin Benji
Whatchu know he’s a socca playa
Coming from the 952 he ain’t a hater
He’s got long blond hair, he is my boy
I don’t give a fuck I wont treat him like a toy
We got tall sammy he’s got a big belly
But nothing like hamma hey yo he keeps it steady

I love this.

It’s 2012!! The time has just flown by. Remember all that stuff we did. Yeah, so do I. It was crazy.

I hope everyone has a lot of tone this year and is a little less mode.

I really need to write more on this fucking website, and what better way to do that than a birthday post!! Now, these two peeps didn’t have their birthday very recently, but fuck it and fuck you.
First up is 2nd base in the coffin. Her birthday was only a few weeks ago, so this isn’t egregiously late. 2nd Base holds the record for fewest comments by someone who is receiving a birthday post, which is directly related to the fact that MadGlads holds the record for most times shitting his pants on the way to World Buffet. In addition to this, 2nd Base enjoys competing with VaginaFootJobs to see who can scream the loudest about Star Wars outside of stranger’s windows at midnight, and peeing in parking lots. I’m pretty sure she holds the record for longest distance ever moon walked (6000km). For those who don’t know, her name comes from the time she got fresh with YuckyBoyScott in a coffin at the soap factory. They somehow managed to scissor each other while inside, which is considered second base for people with tone.
Second up is EarthIsGay. EarthIsGay is known for all the things I said in his first birthday post, but also his love of slam poetry. Earthy won the county slam poetry competition back in 2002, and went on to regionals in 2004. There was a two year gap because all the people who went to the slam poetry county competition went insane and killed their families. Earthy took first prize and went on to nationals. At nationals, he took last place. He wasn’t even close to the person who was second to last. Many attribute this to his controversial topic: dophins. Here’s an excerpt from his poem.
Dolphins gonna suck yo’ diiiiiick
Dolphins gonna suck yo’ diiiiiick
Don’t fuck with dolphins
Dolphins gonna fuck you up
Fuck you, dolphins

Hopefully I’ll start writing more. Everyone should comment a lot.

These are the two best pictures I’ve seen in the past couple days. I’m not the biggest cat fan. I’m pretty indifferent about them, except for when they hug each other with their eyes closed. And I love both Bill Murray and David Letterman. I imagine Dave is saying “ehh ehh, would you like a stick of gum?” In my opinion, Dave is easily the best late night host. Forget Conan, he’s a little whiny wiener boy.

I didn’t realize it has been almost two months since my last post. I’ve been pretty busy with stuff. I know funny things have happened, but I don’t really remember much of the specifics. I do remember wearing sandals to the Rat Bin during Eau Claire’s homecoming. I almost vomited while peeing in the bathroom.  It reminded me of the lava game everyone plays when you’re a kid. You know, where you had to avoid touching the ground by hopping from chair to couch to chair. But there, in the Rat Bin bathroom, you have to avoid the enormous puddles of AIDS on the way to the urinal. That cesspool caused me to sober up really quickly. Everyone else sobered up nicely there, too. And by that, I mean, they got way way way drunker.

I’ll post more. I promise.

One of my favorite things to do on TJOdotcom.org is write birthday posts for people who are regular commenters. I’ve been slacking pretty hard with that. So here is my attempt to make up for some of the summer birthdays. If I forgot your birthday recently, write an angry comment in the comments section. Today I’m going to make up for the fact that I missed both AAiii and JezuzShit’s birthdays.
I feel like it’s pretty easy to do a two for one with AAiii and JezuzBoomBooms. They have a lot of the same interests. For example, they both like cycling. AAiii enjoys both buying bikes and looking for new bikes to buy. JezuzSaves likes to walk past his bike on the way to the kitchen. I’ve seen a text conversatation they had once and it went a little something like this.
AAiii: wheels.
JS: pedals.
AAiii: gears.
JS: frames.
AAiii: cranks.
JS: I miss sneaking off into the woods during our “bike rides” and kissing.
AAiii: Me too.
I was able to find a picture of them riding a tandem bicycle together at a Dirty 30 party. Actually that looks more like Kim and RC riding around the mean streets of Evanston, but it’s not. It’s AAiii and JS.
They both like formula one, too. For those of you who don’t know, F1 is racing for cool nerds.
Here’s to AAiii and JesusShits. I hope their birthdays were really great a couple weeks ago.

This weekend was so crazy. On Friday, JesusShitz loyalty got me Popeye’s, and I was all like, “this is the greatest day ever!!!” Then two hours later I got really sleepy and watched Breaking Bad, then went to bed a little later. It was absolutely nuts!!
But Saturday was way more eventful. The mpls crew went to see VaginaHandJobs in Wisconsin. Woo!! I drank heavily for the first time in three weeks and it made me throw up my Culver’s before we even went to the bar. I was pretty bummed about that until JezuzShits and I went for a ride on a tandem bicycle. It was fucking awesome and now I want a tandem bicycle.
Then Yucky Boy Scooter got really really really drunk and acted a fool at the bar. Activities included: pouring Boone’s Farm on his face, pouring Boone’s Farm on other people’s faces, laying on the dance floor, licking the dance floor, getting really dirty, and almost getting into a fight with VaginaBadFeet. Later on in the night we went to Taco John’s and I think everyone was sad that it wasn’t Taco Bell.
Fun times. Next time I hope we can hire homeless people to carry us back from the bars.

Pic via Filmdrunk.com. Where else?
There are some new posts. Don’t forget to scroll down, dudes.

There’s nothing better than a great haiku. I include them in a lot of cards to family members. Writing them really makes you feel American.

Hey man what is up
Just cutting my big toe off
Basil is tasty

I’ll try to think of a couple more. Feel free to add one yourself to the comments section.

Edit: More poetry!!

Semen, you bastard
You are such a scallywag
Burn victims look rough

I really don’t know why I find this cartoon so amazing, but I really really fucking love it. There’s something about expressing happiness through gun fire that really tickles my fancy. I stole this from Poorly Drawn Lines.
I have to give mad props to Earthisgay for his comments on the past couple posts. I blocked all of my wordpress emails because I was getting too many spam comments, so I was unaware that people had commented. Hooray!! I could probably figure out how to use CAPTCHA, but I’m too lazy. Anyway, I was delighted by the series of comments he made. Top notch, good sir!!
I guess I haven’t been around too many people lately because the only overheard on TJO I have is from me. “If I were a bumblebee, I would fucking fly everywhere!”
I’m so cool.

I feel really stupid for not knowing how handsome Ernest Hemingway was until I saw Midnight in Paris. A movie in which i was so fucked up at, I threw up a lot during the middle of it. So I can’t really comment on the content of the movie. YuckyBoy SH saw it twice, so it must have been good. Anyway, yeah, Hemingway was a handsome dude. I really only had images of him in my head from when he was a little older. Probably right before he painted the walls of his Idaho home with his brains, probably. I guess I never saw the back of his head in the pics. It very well may have been missing. So yeah, Midnight in Paris might be good.
It’s beautiful in TJOville today. During my lunch, I plan on rolling down hills until I can’t walk.