Tonejumpoff

So I was on Facepile today and I saw this pic on VaginaSketchArtists’s profile (that’s Kramer, he doesn’t read this site but that’s what I would assume his handle would be), and it made me LoL all over my face. So I decided to make this post. I wasn’t planning on writing one because I’ve been lazy lately and I have an extremely demanding beat off schedule, but I decided to not wank it at work today so I could post this pic.

Also this past weekend had tone. So I’ll point out some highlights.

1. Dizzle wowed erryone with his knowledge of the Wire. Oh also he fell at the Key. I didn’t see it, but I bet it was funny as fuck.

2.VaginaAnaljobs comforted a girl who had just broken up with her boyfriend. And instead of having sex with her, he demanded to listen to more stories about her ex.

3. AAiii almost landed a k-flip. It pretty much was a land, but we decided to not end the competition with controversy.

4. Erryone got really wasted and blew eachother.

5. I went home with a girl on Friday. She wanted to fuck, but I told her I would much rather just make out. I got more action from the Key statue on Saturday. He let me drop a couple digits on him. Baby Feet watched us the whole time, rubbing his baby genitals.

6. Oh and I almost forgot. BlowiesPlz got especially hammered and acted a fool at the key. See AAiii for footage. Hopefully he put it up on his twitter account for everyone to see.

Lastly, Ben said goodbye to Madison in the best way possible, throwing up on himself

Madison this weekend fools. I have a good feeling the kickflip competition will end this weekend. Resulting with AAIII and EarthIsAPowerBottom both having to get my face tattooed on their pensises(penii?). This shit really needs to end soon.

It’s rat kid’s birthday today. If you’re confused who rat kid is, the tonejumpoff community knows him more as vagina-anal-blaster. I’m celebrating his emergence from his mom’s cunt by writing all of his stories that he’s told me a million times on a piece of paper over and over. More specifically the one-armed handshake story, the lumberjack days story, why the twins are better than the brewers, and the time he told his orthodontist fuck you. I actually really like the orthodontist story, but I’ve still heard it a bunch of times. Anyway, I love the rat kid. I go to sleep every night thinking about his teeth and his extremely impressive soft wiener. So in his honor, list your favorite story you’ve heard Rat Boy say a million times (in the comments section). I realize this really only caters to I Shit in Coffee Pots, EarthIs((n’t)not)Gay, Jesus(eats)Shits, and Half-white-half-mode. If you don’t know Fireball Rat Kid, just make a story up.

So on the way downtown Saturday afternoon there was a slight traffic issue. A rogue keg had fallen out of the back of a trailer carrying other beer kegs. It had rolled across three lanes and by my car. Glads was screaming for me to stop, being that he’s an alcoholic, but I was dis and didn’t. One would think that we were doomed to a shitty night because we didn’t get the free keg. False. Several tone things happened over the course of the night. And I’m going to share them now so everyone feels bad that they weren’t with us.
The night started out with us at The Local for a meal. Then we got a hotel. The end. Jk. But for realziez, we went to a comedy show. It was so cool. They were all telling like jokes and shit. And I was all like ha ha and hoy hoy. And everyone else was like “yeah this is so funny hoy hoy hoy hoy hoy.” No, but for real, after the show we went to our hotel. And because we’re the glutton crew, we got the room on the executive floor with the FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST. Yeah buddy, sorry ‘bout it. So anyway, Glads took a dump and ended up clogging the toilet. But we didn’t know he clogged the toilet until Scotty took a piss and came out laughing saying that piss water was flooding the bathroom. Scotty has tone because instead of shutting the water off, he came out to tell us there was piss water everywhere. Sorry ‘bout it. Also we smoked in our room without being entirely sure that it was a smoking room. Well after ruining the room we went out. Then we got wasted. I made out with the bachelorette at her bachelorette party. Her roommate texted me later calling me a home wrecker. Which, in a sick way, I was proud of. After that we went back to the hotel. Glads called the girl who used to work at gameworks , and who Berked had fucked back when she was fat(ter). She came over and Glads and her went to go get food. Glads then purchased 60$ worth of food, only to pass out in Gameworks fatty’s car. So fast forward to the morning and we’re all driving home. While on our way back, we see a bicycle rider cruising in the bike lane. I drive up next to him and Glads grabs him ass. The biker then screams “WHOA!!” which was fucking great.

Anyway, I wrote this post almost a week ago but was too lazy to post it, so if anything sounds weird, that’s why. Also I tried to get invited to the wedding of the bachelorette I made out with. But the wedding was on Saturday and that’s when I got the brilliant idea to try to be her roommate’s date. Fuck.

*note* When I read this post to myself this morning I realized how much I’ve regressed as a writer over the past 6 months.

Let me start by apologizing for being so fucking lazy lately. I know everybody gets the Madison Pete shakes when they don’t get their TJO fix, and that’s justified. Where else can you go to get 3rd grade level writing with pictures stolen from other websites? No where, that’s where. Anyway, lots has happened since the last post. Little of which I can remember because I was darkside through it all. Two things I do remember saying were “My dick is pierced, wanna come home with me?” and “I prefer really beat up pussies.” I could explain the circumstances and results of both situations, but it’s probably better to let your imagination run wild.
Since I don’t really remember too much, I want to bring up something that made me laugh by myself on the car ride home from Madison: Last year for Berk’s birthday, Berk had his parents bring him to the circus. Now this may not sound that funny. But when you think about it, the most circus human I know made his parents bring him to the circus on his 23rd birthday.
Now I don’t like talking about myself too much on here because I do that enough in my normal life. Plus my dick is tiny and my ass hole is as big as Madison Pete’s word hole. But I was recently looking at my bank statement and something occured to me, I’m a fucking glutton. Here are my last thirty or so purchases. (I would just do a screen shot of my wells fargo account, but I would probably accidentally give away my account numbers and Rolo would steal my identity. So you’ll have to take my word that these are ALL of the purchases I’ve made in the past couple of days.)
These are starting from my most recent purchase.
Subway-2.94$
Steak Escape-8.47$(premier loyalty)
ExxonMobile-5.47$ (loyalty)
ExxonMobile-24.78$ (loyalty)
McDonaldsMadison-5.35$
McDonaldsMadison 5.26$
SilverMineMadison-7.79$
touchtunesX2-5$ each (the churchkey music player)
Walgreens-9.37$
touchtunes-5.00$
Qdoba-8.63$
ATM withdrawal-100$
BagelsForever-5.00$
Touchtunes-10$
Subway-8.81$
KwikTrip-24.45$
McDonalds-3.84$
Subway-2.94$
Holiday-19.87$
TGIFridays-12$
PizzaLuce-31.60$
ATM withdrawal-40$
Subway-2.94$
McDonalds-3.84$
Holiday-4.09$
Ticketmaster-34.42$
McDonalds-3.84$
McDonalds-3.84$
McDonalds-4.18$
Culvers-6.63$
Holiday-10.18$
Chipotle-10.45$
KwikTrip-10.68$
Chipotle-16.99$ (I have no idea how I spent this much at Chipotle)

So there you have it. A completely unedited look at my spending habits. If you don’t believe me go to the wells fargo website yourself. My username is Mark69-69-420 and my password is iheartbeatpussies.

Manbeartone was one of my eyedeas for a lip tattoo five months ago when I was really gung ho about getting my lip tattooed. Luckily the urge to get my lip tattooed subsided and now I only want to get a tandem bicycle tattooed on a dry region of my body. So obviously not my butt hole, that gets wet just thinking about Red Vines. Someone suggested having the tonej-off community vote on who will be riding the tandem bike. I’m into that, but only if all of the suggestions are Abe Lincoln or two invisible Abe Lincolns.
Anyway, I was watching True Life: Newlyweds, and I suddenly became really interested in people who wait until marriage to stuff. Me personally, I like to know the girl for at least 45 seconds before I show her my cock. I know about the whole soaking thing with Mormons. But I’m talking about those motherfuckers who REALLY wait to make sexy time before marriage. Like people so afraid of zombie jesus they don’t even heavily pet each other’s genitals through a snuggie. On the show there was a newlywed couple who had waited until marriage and claimed that they had baller-ass sex on their wedding night. There’s no fucking way their sex was any less awkward than two people with extremely severe spinal cord injuries playing twister. If I had to wait until marriage to cram, I would shoot my nut out like a power washer
.0000000000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds after insertion. But anyway, someone should do a documentary about people who waited until their wedding night to have sex. And not the way MTV did it. I want them to describe their techniques in excruciating detail. These people should reference Kramer’s storytelling and vagina drawing abilities for examples. Now that would be interesting.
In related news, I think Engs is going to do a guest blog spot. That is, if he can find time in his grueling 15 hour a week work schedule. But maybe not, fucking christ I don’t know.

So I saw these on filmdrunk.com and they made me L out L. I hope they don’t offend anyone. But do you really expect much from a guy who said that God masturbated on the seventh day (we all gotta toss a little B, even God). I guess Bucky might be offended. He is one of those Jew people.
Weekend highlights:
1. Steven and Frankie slept out on the lawn Saturday. Even though a crow was plotting to kill them.
2.Carter willed his cock into a solid 4.
3.Engs’ aunt successfully downed a liter of Bacardi and still managed to comment on everyone’s facebook status.
Holler at me if I’m leaving something out. I’m slowly realizing how little I remember from the weekend. Also if anyone is making any progress on their kickflips, holler at the comments section. I’m off to the top level of a parking ramp to shred.

Madison is where it’s at this weekend. Ben, among others, is graduating. If you have a megaphone, bring it. If you have a flaming bag of lizard shit, bring it. Because we are going to be screaming and tossing shit all weekend. There will be old people there. So I expect at least 4 or 5 deaths.
Also, I expect a kickflip to go down this weekend (Even though I’m not even close (and I haven’t been able to practice because it’s been raining (and Ashley has been in Euro (and Pete only joined the bet so he could get my name tattooed on him))).
A little bit of news for you all. Glads blacked out last Saturday (no big surprise there) and woke up Sunday morning in the hospital. He doesn’t know what happened. The people he was with are disloyal so they have no idea what happened. I’m going to take a stab at what I think occured. Glads left the bar after blacking out. He then traveled to the U of M. Once there, he broke into a research lab. He then proceeded to find the cure for AIDS. He then fucked a hobo, who of course had AIDS, and then cured himself. After that he shit himself and ate all of his research thinking it was a nacho flavored slim jim. Then a bus hit him. But he actually did more damage to the bus than the bus did to him. Then the hobo he fucked earlier loyalty took him to the hospital.

THE END.

Mifflin was this past weekend, and the all-star wrecking crew was brought in to wreak havoc on innocent bystanders. Here are some highlights.

1.Glads and Berk solicited crack from a crackhead.
2.While Glads was making out with a girl, Berk came in and tried to make out with both of them. Glads and Berk touched tongues.
3.GayEarth made way too fine of a tonejumpoff.com shirt to wear at the block party. I’m cautiously excited for one maybe two new readers.
4.Glads shit in a random house, clogged the toilet, and stole an ipod.
5.“Why haven’t you made my fucking sandwiches yet!?!?”-Glads at Milio’s.
6.Berk swiped his dick in the mouth of the statue at the Church Key.
7.Glads wouldn’t stop staring at my wiener while I was peeing on a house. I can’t pee when people are staring at my cock.

This list makes it seem as though Gladsy and Berk are pretty fucking insane. To be fair, Glads has a crippling addiction to alcohol on his side. This makes it easier to act like a psycho asshole.

So here’s the deal, skating is fucking awesome. So naturally Ashley and I have decided to make a bet on our sub par skating skillz. The challenge: complete a kickflip. This idea came from DJ Smoovbert who, according to facebook, is in a challenge involving skateboards and bmx bikes. With his bet the loser has to go vegan for a month. Here’s where you guys come in (all 7 of you). We need to figure out the stakes of the bet. In order to have some motivation we need something good. If you have a reasonable suggestion leave it in the comments section. But here’s the deal, don’t be a fucking loser. Whoever loses isn’t going to suck anyone’s dick or receive a blowjob from a homeless guy. We need suggestion that we would both agree upon, like the whole vegan for a month thing. That’s a reasonable bet. I thought of a couple of things that I think are reasonable or kind of funny. Time lengths are arbitrary at this point.

1.Loser has to change their name on facebook to Rahn Dog for a year.
2.Loser has to wear a crew neck sweatshirt that is cut off above the navel every weekend for a month.
3.Loser has to watch the Tonight Show for a month and take meticulous notes regarding every joke and every guest.
4.Loser has to watch Law and Order: SVU… oh wait. Ashley already watches that garbage.
5.Loser has to walk backwards everywhere for a week.
6.Loser gets killed.

So there you have it. Have tone and leave some good ideas for bets. Oh and I forgot to mention that Sammy is joining the bet. So I guess you can reread every as “losers have” instead of “loser has.”