Tonejumpoff

Today is EarthisGay’s birthday. Legend has it, the doctor was about to perform a C-section to deliver Earth the day he was born. But Earthy used a remote mine from GoldenEye, and exploded his way to freedom (he pressed A and B at the same time). He then bit off his umbilical cord the way Addy Kid bites into a Slim Jim. He then took a double shot of his own afterbirth and proclaimed “mmmmmm, vagina-y.”
Earth is known for his height and the boat he bought that he converted into a car. He is also known for his innate ability to smell rape. He says it smells “earthy.” I don’t know what that means, but I asked him once and he threatened to give me the best blow job of my life. “Sounds like a deal to me,” I said.

So everyone needs to celebrate Earth’s birthday by going to your local hospital and drinking a tall glass of afterbirth. I know I fucking am. By the way, I googled “afterbirth” just to make sure I was spelling it right. Holy fuck, what a mistake. My eyes will never un-see what I just un-un-saw.

BJ Gladhill got his wang re-pierced on Sunday. He has tone because he asked the piercer in all seriousness, “So how long do I have to wait before I can start beating off again? Because, I mean, I do that everyday.” The guy thought he was joking until he saw that BJ’s face was as serious as Abe Lincoln’s face was during the Emancipation Proclamation. This is a justified question. I had the exact same question when I got my dong pierced, but I didn’t ask it.
In other news, I’m starting a campaign to replace the words sex and fucking with the phrase penis-blast. It derives itself from finger-blast. And since I’m so fond of that phrase, I think the transition will be quite smooth.
Other tone things: Glads beat a black kid in a dance competition. Dizzle recited The Wire quotes until I literally filled the room we were in with cum, literally. VaginaSketchArtist showed us a video from a Packers press conference and it was so funny I literally shit myself until the room was full of shit, literally.
I have bunch of good pics I’ve been meaning to put up. So I’ll probably post them all at once. Because, you know, who gives a fuck.

Blackout Addy Kid took a tumble last thursday. Of course he remembered the whole thing, jk, he was blackout. Thankfully Junior Rolo had the day off from sharpening his pinpoint wang, and was able to snap a sexy pic of it all. Addy Kid’s excuse for work was that he had a skateboarding accident. I think I probably would gone with Peter North facial incident. I think that’s a little more believable. Anyway, BlackoutAddyGlutton is in the lead for the official tonejumpoff pic competition. I think his total is two, so it’s a pretty close race between him and a bunch of dogs.
In other news, Jon Oz got a new dog. He named it Fedor (justified).
The last thing I wanted to mention was regarding Berky. We were talking about guns or something, prolly chicks too, gno wat i’m sayin. And he said the first time he ever shot a gun was in Matt Brauer’s bedroom. He apparently kept a big wood block in his room and would let people shoot at it. Tone, I guess.

I haven’t seen anyone display any tone in a while so I’ll just leave you with a couple things. When I was in elementary school there was a 6th grade teacher who was known for his obsession with wet dreams. He loved to bring them up during our once a year sex ed class. My brother had him and some of my friends had him. Unfortunately he retired when I was in 4th grade. Everyone was disappointed that they wouldn’t have Mr. L bring up wet dreams during their turn in the school-nurse-taught sex education class. The thought of a 65-year-old man chiming in during a sex ed class bringing up wet dreams for 40 years still gets me hard. So anyway, fast forward to the 6th grade for me (the year 2007) and our male teacher Mr. C was out sick the day sexy ed was ‘spose to take place. But guess who the sub was that day? Mr. Wet Dreamz himself. Without fail, he brought up the wonders of busting a nut in one’s sleep. Erryone LOLed all over each other’s faces. It was great. I then went home and blew a homeless man. Wow, well, that story went nowhere fast. Imagine how messy Peter North’s wet dreams are. Talk about a water bed!! hoy hoy hoy
In other news, I got way too fine of a spam today. It said “It is a good atcicle.Make persistent efforts,” this was in regard to the last post. I couldn’t agree more Mr. Spam.
Comment more *u**s.

Today is AAIII’s 17th birthday. To celebrate, everyone gets to look at this classic pic of Charles Barkley. Be careful if you’re a white woman though, cause your shit ’bout to get drenched. I don’t even have a vagina (just a really small penis) and I got really fucking wet. You may be asking yourself ‘What do I get the man who already has everything?’ Answer: nothing. He already has a hot girlfriend and an awesome car. And I’m pretty sure Laura’s dog is trained to make his favorite breakfast for him every morning (sliced avocado with kosher salt gently sprinkled on top (with a dash of luv(semen))). If anything, we should steal a bunch of his shit while he’s in CO. I have dibs on the couch and his sk8 deck. I kid tho. We all luv AAIII. Not really because he’s that great of a person, more because he eats really slowly (his mom used to put rocks in his food) and because we get all of his hot pussy runoff. So wherever you are take a pull of MD 20/20 and rub one out in honor of his majesty, AAIII.

Lately the comments have taken a huge decline. I don’t know what the deal is. Clearly the content is still there. I can’t get any funnier for fuck’s sake. Seriously guys if you don’t start commenting more, my boss is going to have my ass on a stick. My punishment for low comment numbers is 45 elbows to the face by Jon “Bones” Jones. And you guys all saw what he did to the Janitor, damn near killed him.
Anyway, things have been pretty uneventful. Except for last weekend when Brett “the Grim” Rogers drank with Glads, BJ, and I for roughly an hour and a half. That was tone. He took one or two jager bombs. Which was also awesome, but he probably only accepted them because Kerri has big fake titties. I think most people would accept a bag of human shit if it was given to them by a 21 year old girl with fake tits. The quote of the evening came when I told him I worked in a laboratory. “Yeah man that’s cool. I’m into things that are up high, down low, and in the middle.” I don’t think anyone has ever said anything so eloquent.
Other highlights.
1.I mimicked a guy dancing for 30 minutes directly behind him at the Brat. He was so drunk he didn’t care I was doing it. And for his grand finale, he lit a cig before being kicked out. tone
2.MouthHandJobs ate two burritos with one hand. Single fisting two burritos is the appropriate way to say it I guess. Single fisting two burritos is also what I call it when I finger blast two mexican chicks at once.
3.Scott hit this sick hand rail in downtown Eau Claire. Then we got busted by the cops. I wanted to tell him that there’s no way I’ll ever be able to take a hand rail, but I figured he wouldn’t believe me because I look like such a rad sk8er.
4.I got Burrito Express and Taco Johns after bar close. boosh
5.It was halfwhitehalfpureh8red’s birthday yesterday. Make sure you wish him a happy birthday if you haven’t already.
Alright, that’s all i have to say for now. If you did something tone recently, let us all know. Shout a holler at the comments section.

So I was on Facepile today and I saw this pic on VaginaSketchArtists’s profile (that’s Kramer, he doesn’t read this site but that’s what I would assume his handle would be), and it made me LoL all over my face. So I decided to make this post. I wasn’t planning on writing one because I’ve been lazy lately and I have an extremely demanding beat off schedule, but I decided to not wank it at work today so I could post this pic.

Also this past weekend had tone. So I’ll point out some highlights.

1. Dizzle wowed erryone with his knowledge of the Wire. Oh also he fell at the Key. I didn’t see it, but I bet it was funny as fuck.

2.VaginaAnaljobs comforted a girl who had just broken up with her boyfriend. And instead of having sex with her, he demanded to listen to more stories about her ex.

3. AAiii almost landed a k-flip. It pretty much was a land, but we decided to not end the competition with controversy.

4. Erryone got really wasted and blew eachother.

5. I went home with a girl on Friday. She wanted to fuck, but I told her I would much rather just make out. I got more action from the Key statue on Saturday. He let me drop a couple digits on him. Baby Feet watched us the whole time, rubbing his baby genitals.

6. Oh and I almost forgot. BlowiesPlz got especially hammered and acted a fool at the key. See AAiii for footage. Hopefully he put it up on his twitter account for everyone to see.

Lastly, Ben said goodbye to Madison in the best way possible, throwing up on himself

Madison this weekend fools. I have a good feeling the kickflip competition will end this weekend. Resulting with AAIII and EarthIsAPowerBottom both having to get my face tattooed on their pensises(penii?). This shit really needs to end soon.

It’s rat kid’s birthday today. If you’re confused who rat kid is, the tonejumpoff community knows him more as vagina-anal-blaster. I’m celebrating his emergence from his mom’s cunt by writing all of his stories that he’s told me a million times on a piece of paper over and over. More specifically the one-armed handshake story, the lumberjack days story, why the twins are better than the brewers, and the time he told his orthodontist fuck you. I actually really like the orthodontist story, but I’ve still heard it a bunch of times. Anyway, I love the rat kid. I go to sleep every night thinking about his teeth and his extremely impressive soft wiener. So in his honor, list your favorite story you’ve heard Rat Boy say a million times (in the comments section). I realize this really only caters to I Shit in Coffee Pots, EarthIs((n’t)not)Gay, Jesus(eats)Shits, and Half-white-half-mode. If you don’t know Fireball Rat Kid, just make a story up.

So on the way downtown Saturday afternoon there was a slight traffic issue. A rogue keg had fallen out of the back of a trailer carrying other beer kegs. It had rolled across three lanes and by my car. Glads was screaming for me to stop, being that he’s an alcoholic, but I was dis and didn’t. One would think that we were doomed to a shitty night because we didn’t get the free keg. False. Several tone things happened over the course of the night. And I’m going to share them now so everyone feels bad that they weren’t with us.
The night started out with us at The Local for a meal. Then we got a hotel. The end. Jk. But for realziez, we went to a comedy show. It was so cool. They were all telling like jokes and shit. And I was all like ha ha and hoy hoy. And everyone else was like “yeah this is so funny hoy hoy hoy hoy hoy.” No, but for real, after the show we went to our hotel. And because we’re the glutton crew, we got the room on the executive floor with the FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST. Yeah buddy, sorry ‘bout it. So anyway, Glads took a dump and ended up clogging the toilet. But we didn’t know he clogged the toilet until Scotty took a piss and came out laughing saying that piss water was flooding the bathroom. Scotty has tone because instead of shutting the water off, he came out to tell us there was piss water everywhere. Sorry ‘bout it. Also we smoked in our room without being entirely sure that it was a smoking room. Well after ruining the room we went out. Then we got wasted. I made out with the bachelorette at her bachelorette party. Her roommate texted me later calling me a home wrecker. Which, in a sick way, I was proud of. After that we went back to the hotel. Glads called the girl who used to work at gameworks , and who Berked had fucked back when she was fat(ter). She came over and Glads and her went to go get food. Glads then purchased 60$ worth of food, only to pass out in Gameworks fatty’s car. So fast forward to the morning and we’re all driving home. While on our way back, we see a bicycle rider cruising in the bike lane. I drive up next to him and Glads grabs him ass. The biker then screams “WHOA!!” which was fucking great.

Anyway, I wrote this post almost a week ago but was too lazy to post it, so if anything sounds weird, that’s why. Also I tried to get invited to the wedding of the bachelorette I made out with. But the wedding was on Saturday and that’s when I got the brilliant idea to try to be her roommate’s date. Fuck.

*note* When I read this post to myself this morning I realized how much I’ve regressed as a writer over the past 6 months.