Tonejumpoff

Manbeartone was one of my eyedeas for a lip tattoo five months ago when I was really gung ho about getting my lip tattooed. Luckily the urge to get my lip tattooed subsided and now I only want to get a tandem bicycle tattooed on a dry region of my body. So obviously not my butt hole, that gets wet just thinking about Red Vines. Someone suggested having the tonej-off community vote on who will be riding the tandem bike. I’m into that, but only if all of the suggestions are Abe Lincoln or two invisible Abe Lincolns.
Anyway, I was watching True Life: Newlyweds, and I suddenly became really interested in people who wait until marriage to stuff. Me personally, I like to know the girl for at least 45 seconds before I show her my cock. I know about the whole soaking thing with Mormons. But I’m talking about those motherfuckers who REALLY wait to make sexy time before marriage. Like people so afraid of zombie jesus they don’t even heavily pet each other’s genitals through a snuggie. On the show there was a newlywed couple who had waited until marriage and claimed that they had baller-ass sex on their wedding night. There’s no fucking way their sex was any less awkward than two people with extremely severe spinal cord injuries playing twister. If I had to wait until marriage to cram, I would shoot my nut out like a power washer
.0000000000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds after insertion. But anyway, someone should do a documentary about people who waited until their wedding night to have sex. And not the way MTV did it. I want them to describe their techniques in excruciating detail. These people should reference Kramer’s storytelling and vagina drawing abilities for examples. Now that would be interesting.
In related news, I think Engs is going to do a guest blog spot. That is, if he can find time in his grueling 15 hour a week work schedule. But maybe not, fucking christ I don’t know.

So I saw these on filmdrunk.com and they made me L out L. I hope they don’t offend anyone. But do you really expect much from a guy who said that God masturbated on the seventh day (we all gotta toss a little B, even God). I guess Bucky might be offended. He is one of those Jew people.
Weekend highlights:
1. Steven and Frankie slept out on the lawn Saturday. Even though a crow was plotting to kill them.
2.Carter willed his cock into a solid 4.
3.Engs’ aunt successfully downed a liter of Bacardi and still managed to comment on everyone’s facebook status.
Holler at me if I’m leaving something out. I’m slowly realizing how little I remember from the weekend. Also if anyone is making any progress on their kickflips, holler at the comments section. I’m off to the top level of a parking ramp to shred.

Madison is where it’s at this weekend. Ben, among others, is graduating. If you have a megaphone, bring it. If you have a flaming bag of lizard shit, bring it. Because we are going to be screaming and tossing shit all weekend. There will be old people there. So I expect at least 4 or 5 deaths.
Also, I expect a kickflip to go down this weekend (Even though I’m not even close (and I haven’t been able to practice because it’s been raining (and Ashley has been in Euro (and Pete only joined the bet so he could get my name tattooed on him))).
A little bit of news for you all. Glads blacked out last Saturday (no big surprise there) and woke up Sunday morning in the hospital. He doesn’t know what happened. The people he was with are disloyal so they have no idea what happened. I’m going to take a stab at what I think occured. Glads left the bar after blacking out. He then traveled to the U of M. Once there, he broke into a research lab. He then proceeded to find the cure for AIDS. He then fucked a hobo, who of course had AIDS, and then cured himself. After that he shit himself and ate all of his research thinking it was a nacho flavored slim jim. Then a bus hit him. But he actually did more damage to the bus than the bus did to him. Then the hobo he fucked earlier loyalty took him to the hospital.

THE END.

Mifflin was this past weekend, and the all-star wrecking crew was brought in to wreak havoc on innocent bystanders. Here are some highlights.

1.Glads and Berk solicited crack from a crackhead.
2.While Glads was making out with a girl, Berk came in and tried to make out with both of them. Glads and Berk touched tongues.
3.GayEarth made way too fine of a tonejumpoff.com shirt to wear at the block party. I’m cautiously excited for one maybe two new readers.
4.Glads shit in a random house, clogged the toilet, and stole an ipod.
5.“Why haven’t you made my fucking sandwiches yet!?!?”-Glads at Milio’s.
6.Berk swiped his dick in the mouth of the statue at the Church Key.
7.Glads wouldn’t stop staring at my wiener while I was peeing on a house. I can’t pee when people are staring at my cock.

This list makes it seem as though Gladsy and Berk are pretty fucking insane. To be fair, Glads has a crippling addiction to alcohol on his side. This makes it easier to act like a psycho asshole.