Tonejumpoff

It’s rat kid’s birthday today. If you’re confused who rat kid is, the tonejumpoff community knows him more as vagina-anal-blaster. I’m celebrating his emergence from his mom’s cunt by writing all of his stories that he’s told me a million times on a piece of paper over and over. More specifically the one-armed handshake story, the lumberjack days story, why the twins are better than the brewers, and the time he told his orthodontist fuck you. I actually really like the orthodontist story, but I’ve still heard it a bunch of times. Anyway, I love the rat kid. I go to sleep every night thinking about his teeth and his extremely impressive soft wiener. So in his honor, list your favorite story you’ve heard Rat Boy say a million times (in the comments section). I realize this really only caters to I Shit in Coffee Pots, EarthIs((n’t)not)Gay, Jesus(eats)Shits, and Half-white-half-mode. If you don’t know Fireball Rat Kid, just make a story up.

So on the way downtown Saturday afternoon there was a slight traffic issue. A rogue keg had fallen out of the back of a trailer carrying other beer kegs. It had rolled across three lanes and by my car. Glads was screaming for me to stop, being that he’s an alcoholic, but I was dis and didn’t. One would think that we were doomed to a shitty night because we didn’t get the free keg. False. Several tone things happened over the course of the night. And I’m going to share them now so everyone feels bad that they weren’t with us.
The night started out with us at The Local for a meal. Then we got a hotel. The end. Jk. But for realziez, we went to a comedy show. It was so cool. They were all telling like jokes and shit. And I was all like ha ha and hoy hoy. And everyone else was like “yeah this is so funny hoy hoy hoy hoy hoy.” No, but for real, after the show we went to our hotel. And because we’re the glutton crew, we got the room on the executive floor with the FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST. Yeah buddy, sorry ‘bout it. So anyway, Glads took a dump and ended up clogging the toilet. But we didn’t know he clogged the toilet until Scotty took a piss and came out laughing saying that piss water was flooding the bathroom. Scotty has tone because instead of shutting the water off, he came out to tell us there was piss water everywhere. Sorry ‘bout it. Also we smoked in our room without being entirely sure that it was a smoking room. Well after ruining the room we went out. Then we got wasted. I made out with the bachelorette at her bachelorette party. Her roommate texted me later calling me a home wrecker. Which, in a sick way, I was proud of. After that we went back to the hotel. Glads called the girl who used to work at gameworks , and who Berked had fucked back when she was fat(ter). She came over and Glads and her went to go get food. Glads then purchased 60$ worth of food, only to pass out in Gameworks fatty’s car. So fast forward to the morning and we’re all driving home. While on our way back, we see a bicycle rider cruising in the bike lane. I drive up next to him and Glads grabs him ass. The biker then screams “WHOA!!” which was fucking great.

Anyway, I wrote this post almost a week ago but was too lazy to post it, so if anything sounds weird, that’s why. Also I tried to get invited to the wedding of the bachelorette I made out with. But the wedding was on Saturday and that’s when I got the brilliant idea to try to be her roommate’s date. Fuck.

*note* When I read this post to myself this morning I realized how much I’ve regressed as a writer over the past 6 months.

Let me start by apologizing for being so fucking lazy lately. I know everybody gets the Madison Pete shakes when they don’t get their TJO fix, and that’s justified. Where else can you go to get 3rd grade level writing with pictures stolen from other websites? No where, that’s where. Anyway, lots has happened since the last post. Little of which I can remember because I was darkside through it all. Two things I do remember saying were “My dick is pierced, wanna come home with me?” and “I prefer really beat up pussies.” I could explain the circumstances and results of both situations, but it’s probably better to let your imagination run wild.
Since I don’t really remember too much, I want to bring up something that made me laugh by myself on the car ride home from Madison: Last year for Berk’s birthday, Berk had his parents bring him to the circus. Now this may not sound that funny. But when you think about it, the most circus human I know made his parents bring him to the circus on his 23rd birthday.
Now I don’t like talking about myself too much on here because I do that enough in my normal life. Plus my dick is tiny and my ass hole is as big as Madison Pete’s word hole. But I was recently looking at my bank statement and something occured to me, I’m a fucking glutton. Here are my last thirty or so purchases. (I would just do a screen shot of my wells fargo account, but I would probably accidentally give away my account numbers and Rolo would steal my identity. So you’ll have to take my word that these are ALL of the purchases I’ve made in the past couple of days.)
These are starting from my most recent purchase.
Subway-2.94$
Steak Escape-8.47$(premier loyalty)
ExxonMobile-5.47$ (loyalty)
ExxonMobile-24.78$ (loyalty)
McDonaldsMadison-5.35$
McDonaldsMadison 5.26$
SilverMineMadison-7.79$
touchtunesX2-5$ each (the churchkey music player)
Walgreens-9.37$
touchtunes-5.00$
Qdoba-8.63$
ATM withdrawal-100$
BagelsForever-5.00$
Touchtunes-10$
Subway-8.81$
KwikTrip-24.45$
McDonalds-3.84$
Subway-2.94$
Holiday-19.87$
TGIFridays-12$
PizzaLuce-31.60$
ATM withdrawal-40$
Subway-2.94$
McDonalds-3.84$
Holiday-4.09$
Ticketmaster-34.42$
McDonalds-3.84$
McDonalds-3.84$
McDonalds-4.18$
Culvers-6.63$
Holiday-10.18$
Chipotle-10.45$
KwikTrip-10.68$
Chipotle-16.99$ (I have no idea how I spent this much at Chipotle)

So there you have it. A completely unedited look at my spending habits. If you don’t believe me go to the wells fargo website yourself. My username is Mark69-69-420 and my password is iheartbeatpussies.