Tonejumpoff

Let me start by apologizing for being so fucking lazy lately. I know everybody gets the Madison Pete shakes when they don’t get their TJO fix, and that’s justified. Where else can you go to get 3rd grade level writing with pictures stolen from other websites? No where, that’s where. Anyway, lots has happened since the last post. Little of which I can remember because I was darkside through it all. Two things I do remember saying were “My dick is pierced, wanna come home with me?” and “I prefer really beat up pussies.” I could explain the circumstances and results of both situations, but it’s probably better to let your imagination run wild.
Since I don’t really remember too much, I want to bring up something that made me laugh by myself on the car ride home from Madison: Last year for Berk’s birthday, Berk had his parents bring him to the circus. Now this may not sound that funny. But when you think about it, the most circus human I know made his parents bring him to the circus on his 23rd birthday.
Now I don’t like talking about myself too much on here because I do that enough in my normal life. Plus my dick is tiny and my ass hole is as big as Madison Pete’s word hole. But I was recently looking at my bank statement and something occured to me, I’m a fucking glutton. Here are my last thirty or so purchases. (I would just do a screen shot of my wells fargo account, but I would probably accidentally give away my account numbers and Rolo would steal my identity. So you’ll have to take my word that these are ALL of the purchases I’ve made in the past couple of days.)
These are starting from my most recent purchase.
Subway-2.94$
Steak Escape-8.47$(premier loyalty)
ExxonMobile-5.47$ (loyalty)
ExxonMobile-24.78$ (loyalty)
McDonaldsMadison-5.35$
McDonaldsMadison 5.26$
SilverMineMadison-7.79$
touchtunesX2-5$ each (the churchkey music player)
Walgreens-9.37$
touchtunes-5.00$
Qdoba-8.63$
ATM withdrawal-100$
BagelsForever-5.00$
Touchtunes-10$
Subway-8.81$
KwikTrip-24.45$
McDonalds-3.84$
Subway-2.94$
Holiday-19.87$
TGIFridays-12$
PizzaLuce-31.60$
ATM withdrawal-40$
Subway-2.94$
McDonalds-3.84$
Holiday-4.09$
Ticketmaster-34.42$
McDonalds-3.84$
McDonalds-3.84$
McDonalds-4.18$
Culvers-6.63$
Holiday-10.18$
Chipotle-10.45$
KwikTrip-10.68$
Chipotle-16.99$ (I have no idea how I spent this much at Chipotle)

So there you have it. A completely unedited look at my spending habits. If you don’t believe me go to the wells fargo website yourself. My username is Mark69-69-420 and my password is iheartbeatpussies.

Manbeartone was one of my eyedeas for a lip tattoo five months ago when I was really gung ho about getting my lip tattooed. Luckily the urge to get my lip tattooed subsided and now I only want to get a tandem bicycle tattooed on a dry region of my body. So obviously not my butt hole, that gets wet just thinking about Red Vines. Someone suggested having the tonej-off community vote on who will be riding the tandem bike. I’m into that, but only if all of the suggestions are Abe Lincoln or two invisible Abe Lincolns.
Anyway, I was watching True Life: Newlyweds, and I suddenly became really interested in people who wait until marriage to stuff. Me personally, I like to know the girl for at least 45 seconds before I show her my cock. I know about the whole soaking thing with Mormons. But I’m talking about those motherfuckers who REALLY wait to make sexy time before marriage. Like people so afraid of zombie jesus they don’t even heavily pet each other’s genitals through a snuggie. On the show there was a newlywed couple who had waited until marriage and claimed that they had baller-ass sex on their wedding night. There’s no fucking way their sex was any less awkward than two people with extremely severe spinal cord injuries playing twister. If I had to wait until marriage to cram, I would shoot my nut out like a power washer
.0000000000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds after insertion. But anyway, someone should do a documentary about people who waited until their wedding night to have sex. And not the way MTV did it. I want them to describe their techniques in excruciating detail. These people should reference Kramer’s storytelling and vagina drawing abilities for examples. Now that would be interesting.
In related news, I think Engs is going to do a guest blog spot. That is, if he can find time in his grueling 15 hour a week work schedule. But maybe not, fucking christ I don’t know.

So I saw these on filmdrunk.com and they made me L out L. I hope they don’t offend anyone. But do you really expect much from a guy who said that God masturbated on the seventh day (we all gotta toss a little B, even God). I guess Bucky might be offended. He is one of those Jew people.
Weekend highlights:
1. Steven and Frankie slept out on the lawn Saturday. Even though a crow was plotting to kill them.
2.Carter willed his cock into a solid 4.
3.Engs’ aunt successfully downed a liter of Bacardi and still managed to comment on everyone’s facebook status.
Holler at me if I’m leaving something out. I’m slowly realizing how little I remember from the weekend. Also if anyone is making any progress on their kickflips, holler at the comments section. I’m off to the top level of a parking ramp to shred.

Madison is where it’s at this weekend. Ben, among others, is graduating. If you have a megaphone, bring it. If you have a flaming bag of lizard shit, bring it. Because we are going to be screaming and tossing shit all weekend. There will be old people there. So I expect at least 4 or 5 deaths.
Also, I expect a kickflip to go down this weekend (Even though I’m not even close (and I haven’t been able to practice because it’s been raining (and Ashley has been in Euro (and Pete only joined the bet so he could get my name tattooed on him))).
A little bit of news for you all. Glads blacked out last Saturday (no big surprise there) and woke up Sunday morning in the hospital. He doesn’t know what happened. The people he was with are disloyal so they have no idea what happened. I’m going to take a stab at what I think occured. Glads left the bar after blacking out. He then traveled to the U of M. Once there, he broke into a research lab. He then proceeded to find the cure for AIDS. He then fucked a hobo, who of course had AIDS, and then cured himself. After that he shit himself and ate all of his research thinking it was a nacho flavored slim jim. Then a bus hit him. But he actually did more damage to the bus than the bus did to him. Then the hobo he fucked earlier loyalty took him to the hospital.

THE END.

Mifflin was this past weekend, and the all-star wrecking crew was brought in to wreak havoc on innocent bystanders. Here are some highlights.

1.Glads and Berk solicited crack from a crackhead.
2.While Glads was making out with a girl, Berk came in and tried to make out with both of them. Glads and Berk touched tongues.
3.GayEarth made way too fine of a tonejumpoff.com shirt to wear at the block party. I’m cautiously excited for one maybe two new readers.
4.Glads shit in a random house, clogged the toilet, and stole an ipod.
5.“Why haven’t you made my fucking sandwiches yet!?!?”-Glads at Milio’s.
6.Berk swiped his dick in the mouth of the statue at the Church Key.
7.Glads wouldn’t stop staring at my wiener while I was peeing on a house. I can’t pee when people are staring at my cock.

This list makes it seem as though Gladsy and Berk are pretty fucking insane. To be fair, Glads has a crippling addiction to alcohol on his side. This makes it easier to act like a psycho asshole.

So here’s the deal, skating is fucking awesome. So naturally Ashley and I have decided to make a bet on our sub par skating skillz. The challenge: complete a kickflip. This idea came from DJ Smoovbert who, according to facebook, is in a challenge involving skateboards and bmx bikes. With his bet the loser has to go vegan for a month. Here’s where you guys come in (all 7 of you). We need to figure out the stakes of the bet. In order to have some motivation we need something good. If you have a reasonable suggestion leave it in the comments section. But here’s the deal, don’t be a fucking loser. Whoever loses isn’t going to suck anyone’s dick or receive a blowjob from a homeless guy. We need suggestion that we would both agree upon, like the whole vegan for a month thing. That’s a reasonable bet. I thought of a couple of things that I think are reasonable or kind of funny. Time lengths are arbitrary at this point.

1.Loser has to change their name on facebook to Rahn Dog for a year.
2.Loser has to wear a crew neck sweatshirt that is cut off above the navel every weekend for a month.
3.Loser has to watch the Tonight Show for a month and take meticulous notes regarding every joke and every guest.
4.Loser has to watch Law and Order: SVU… oh wait. Ashley already watches that garbage.
5.Loser has to walk backwards everywhere for a week.
6.Loser gets killed.

So there you have it. Have tone and leave some good ideas for bets. Oh and I forgot to mention that Sammy is joining the bet. So I guess you can reread every as “losers have” instead of “loser has.”

Have you guys heard the song “Every Girl” where Lil Wayne says “I wish I could fuck every girl in the world.” Have you ever thought about how funny this is? This means that Lil Wayne wants to fuck EVERY girl in the world. How many people are on earth? Like 6.7 billion, so that means there are roughly 3.35 billion women he wants to fuck. And I’m not criticizing him for wanting to cram a bunch of girls. That’s totally fine. But what if he decided do start with the .0012’s and then worked his way up to the 10’s. He would easily be cramming 3 billion disgusting bitches. That’s years upon years of fucking girls with downs syndrome, girls with no legs, girls with traffic cones for arms, girls who got their faces eaten by monkeys, really really really fat girls, girls who have scorpions for eyes, girls who lost their vaginas in barn fires, tubgirls, girls with weird volcano buttholes that are in shock site videos, 2 girls one cup, girls with penises, and worst of all-girls with bad eyebrows. Now that’s tone. Because I would probably start from the top, I’d fuck the ten hottest women in the world and then kill myself. It takes sooooo much tone to want to fuck every girl in the world.

Couple of tone shout outs for y’all.
1. AAiii and BootsIsTone (maybe Boots herself participated too, I didn’t ask) got chopped with their parents and went to Hot Tub Time Machine. This is so awesome my boner almost detached from my body.
2. GayEarth and I went to two fast food restaurants in one trip on Tuesday night. This isn’t especially tone, but the loyalty levels are off the charts.
3. The theme of this past weekend was 90s NBA players. Scott and I would ask random people on the street who their favorite 90s basketball players were. The most common pick was Michael Jordan followed by Scottie Pippen. These are totally fine picks… if you’ve had a lobotomy. BOOM. No but really, you’re fucking stupid if that’s your answer. Anyway, we asked one guy who his favorite player was. He said that he didn’t watch basketball. So we asked him what his favorite sport was. His answer- Karate. Our response, “Ok, what’s your favorite 90s karate all-star?” HIS ANSWER, “Uhhh, I dunno.” This homeless asshole got to pick the category and he still couldn’t think of anybody. He then asked us for a dollar because he “was a dollar short for a six pack.” TONE

As always, holla back in the comments section.

So I’ve been mode as fuck lately. I wish I could attribute it to the obscene number of spit hand jobs/vagina hand jobs I’ve been receiving. But sadly that number is a staggering zero. Good news though, I will continue my blistering pace of one post a week starting now.
Also, I anticipate the upcoming posts to be sexxy as fuuuck. So sexy in fact, that I recommend females who read these posts to wear a diaper. Otherwise we could have Katrina 2 on our hands from all of the excessively wet snatches. Those levees can only handle so much. Keep the comments coming. They give me power, like Christopher Reeves and embryonic stem cells/abortions.

Love,
Mark Admin-ing-ton

While I was at my weekly class for improving my ability to be a dank-ass hipster, I came to a realization. Anthropomorphism is really funny–more so with animals, less so with the spilled blood of children. Dogs using crutches, sunflowers shaving off their five o’clock shadows, laser guns playing Dance Dance Revolution, it’s all comedy gold. In the beautiful picture above, the lowly anti-Semite is discussing the ransom of his fillet-o-fish with the guileful headset dog. Now that’s tone.
So anyway, the point of this fucking site was to document tone things. So here are some highlights from the past couple days. Feel free to add on in the comments section. I will love you more for it.

1. Glads recently spent 1500$ on food and alcohol in eight days. I didn’t hang with him on Saturday, but I think it’s safe to say that the total came to 2K. This included 80$ worth of Super America food, followed by 45$ worth of taco bell a half hour later. This amount of irresponsibility is something to be admired and praised, because most people aren’t this blatantly retarded.

2. This past weekend I was at a beach party. There was a bunch of sand and stuff. It was kinda tight.

3. “Amityville 1992: It’s About Time” is the sixth installment of the Amityville horror series. It’s about a clock from the original Amityville house that causes a family to go crazy once it’s placed on the family’s mantle. The movie is called Amityville 1992: IT’S ABOUT TIME, and it’s about a fucking clock. That’s the most fucking literal movie title of all time. It takes so much fucking tone to have your movie about a clock and have “It’s About Time” in the title. See ya the fuck later. That like having a movie about time travel called “The Time Traveler’s Wife: It’s about time…travel.” Jezuz Krihst I can’t get over how funny that is.

So those were the only three tone things I could think of from recently. I have kind of a shitty memory since all I really care about is Culvers.

So the Tone Challenge Series was a reasonable success. I think it’s safe to assume all comments were 100% true, kind of like all of Berk’s stories. Bonus points to JesusCums, I mean JesusShits, for making fun of Korean Jesus freaks. And yes, you’re right, I am completely out of ideas for this blog. JK. That’s impossible because there are people doing tone things every day. And I haven’t even reached the point in which I tell everyone stories they’ve heard from Glads and Steven literally billions of times. And I’m kidding when I used literally incorrectly. Someone who’s not kidding when she uses literally incorrectly is a girl I work with. According to her, she literally drowned in homework last week. Wrong cunt, you didn’t fucking drown.
Well anyway, I learned what a circle jerk was today. I had some of the essential components correct. I knew that it was composed of a circle of dudes. The part I was wrong about was with whose wiener you were stroking. I was under the impression that you were supposed to j-off the person to your immediate right (not the left, what the fuck do you think this is, homo?). But what I learned on the Adam Carolla Podcast with special guest host Greg Fitzsimmons today was that a circle jerk involved no homosexual contact. It’s just a bunch of dodes throwing their own B’s. There’s no help from your fellow Bro Lieberman. Not that it makes it not gay as hell. On the spectrum of homo, it’s more Ryan Seacrest than it is Elton John.
Well enough talk about beating off with your friends. I know I’m getting Anteater Pete all hot and bothered. By the way, the pics were stolen from another site again. But I think these are especially good. I mean, come on, who likes Hitler. And a teen wolf pug, that’s comedy gold. BTW, how was the FBI not contacted in the Teen Wolf movie? There’s a werewolf crushing ass on the basketball court and there’s no news coverage. If I were Obama, that would be on the top of my list for things I need to know about.